glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
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