So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
