Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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