Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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