We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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