Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
