I'm going to rape someone's good day.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Randomize
