As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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