Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
