I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
