She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
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