I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Found your dick twin last night
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I forgot wine drunk hurts
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
