You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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