burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
