I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
