I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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