The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
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If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
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It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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