If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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