a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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