tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
