Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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