I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
