At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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