I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
