well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
