I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
You made out with two different species that night
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
