This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
