Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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