I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
