im drinking this country out of the recession.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
