Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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