would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
