At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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