You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Well I just put wine in my tea
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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