Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
