Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
