Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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