don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
areolas are like halos for boobs.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
