Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
