I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
