i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
