Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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