Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Randomize
