I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I think my moral compass just broke
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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