Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Randomize
