Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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