Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
