remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
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