Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
