i wish semen tasted like chocolate
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
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