I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Randomize
