Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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