the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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