you have to choose: penises or morals?
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
