Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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