dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
is wine microwaveable?
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
