i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
