i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
