oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
